Engaged! What?

Oops.  Maybe my divorce has not been so daily these days.  I have to admit over the last several months I've felt pretty low.  Sometimes writing is my only outlet, and I haven't even felt like I could write about it.  I've been silent because I've been struggling over my ex's recent engagement at Christmas.

Yes, barely one year after our divorce, he is engaged, and to a woman fifteen years younger and just to drive the knife in, she's a teeny-weeny size two.  I was hurt, and the fact that I was hurt just pissed me off. So basically, my Christmas was about being hurt and pissed off.  And then I felt confused that I was hurt and pissed.  So basically January left me muddling through my confused and angry hurt.  It was ugly.   When I'm feeling this way, I like to rant and rave while walking my little beagle on the mountain trail at the east end of town.  Yelling and crying in the forest allows me to pay respect to my own voice and its existence in the universe, because sometimes I feel  unheard. 

Muddling through this mess of emotions, I had to be brutally honest with myself.  First, I decided I was afraid and confused because my hurt made me question whether I still loved my ex.  I was able to discard this thought fairly quickly, because even if he asked me to come back today, I know I wouldn't. By remarrying a child, and so quickly, he is confirming everything I knew I wanted to be separated from. Winding my way up the trail through the stinging, cold air, I realized my pride was hurt.  I could never compare to a size two, twenty-four year old, and I don't like being confronted with my shortcomings.  Sometimes I wish I could return to my younger, beautiful years and stop myself from marrying a narcissistic, self-righteous train wreck.  But then, I would have lost the beautiful things that came from those years, like my three amazing children.

The second realization I had was that I was angry.  I was angry because I want him to be miserable...maybe not for the rest of his life, but at least close to ten years or more (that would only be fair).   After acknowledging this, I had to admit to myself that if he is miserable, then my kids will suffer too.  So I probably don't want that either.  It's so damn hard being an emotionally aware adult!

Finally, at the end of my walk, after crying and throwing myself one hell of a pity party (it was good, trust me), I had to admit to myself that I was happy.  I was breathing.  I was living life the way I wanted to live it, instead of confined to someone else's perspective and demands. I've bought my own little home, I love my job, and  I'm dating a man that lets me know everyday I am one of the most important parts of his life.  We travel, we play, we work out, we indulge and I am free to be me.  I am happy, I just need to untangle the chain of regrets that fill my past.

So, there it is.  My daily divorce. One big moment that consumes my time and energy.  Although lately I can honestly say, I am beginning to feel myself untangle from the day to day interaction, which is good.  This is the only way I can move forward in my life and just breathe.  I'm proud of myself for working through it.  This was a big one for me.

Don't get me wrong, he's still pathetic.